Aprender humano · Learning human

Toda mi vida he sentido que no era suficiente.

Y, honestamente, no sé si es algo que algún día desaparecerá del todo.

Siempre le he dado vueltas al porqué. Quizá era inmadura. Quizá había vivido una vida demasiado cómoda y privilegiada. Quizá era infantil por naturaleza. Nunca tuve del todo claro el motivo. Lo que sí tenía claro era que había algo defectuoso en mí.

Hasta que me topé con lo que, medio en broma, se ha convertido para mí en una especie de Iglesia Gestalt: una mirada desde la que muchas cosas empezaron a tener algo más de sentido.

Llegó a mí en forma de un curso de cinco meses para explorar qué había detrás de esa manera de entender a las personas. No buscaba una certificación, sino simplemente hacer un viaje. Uno para el que ni siquiera sabía si llevaba suficiente equipaje.

Fuimos un maravilloso grupo de 15 personas, en un entorno multicultural. Horas y horas de Zoom. Muchos sentimientos, muchas preguntas y bastantes descubrimientos.

Empecé a darme cuenta de cuántas veces intentaba explicar lo que sentía antes incluso de permitirme sentirlo. De cuánto esfuerzo dedicaba a entender, justificar o corregir lo que me pasaba, en lugar de simplemente observarlo. Quizá no todo necesitaba una explicación inmediata. Quizá algunas cosas necesitaban, primero, ser experimentadas.

Al terminar, me quedó la sensación de que el curso me había acercado un poco más a la experiencia humana. Sesión tras sesión, acabábamos hablando de cosas tan complejas y, al mismo tiempo, tan básicas como cómo ser humano.

Quizá porque pasamos mucho tiempo intentando aprender cómo deberíamos ser y bastante menos entendiendo cómo somos. Tanto viaje para darte cuenta de que el destino era el origen.

Y de que, quizá, el verdadero reto sea simplemente aprender a ser humano.

En ese viaje hacia mí misma, la sensación de nunca ser suficiente no desapareció. Pero empezó a ocupar un lugar diferente. No porque de repente yo fuera suficiente, sino porque empecé a entenderme de otra manera.

Y, de paso, Gestalt me ayudó a poner palabras a algo que, en el fondo, creo que siempre habia sabido: quiero dedicarme a las personas.

Algo tan obvio para mí y que, paradójicamente, nunca había sabido cómo afirmar.

No sé todavía qué forma acabará tomando todo esto. Por ahora, me basta con seguir aprendiendo humano.

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All my life, I’ve felt like I wasn’t enough.

And, honestly, I don’t know if it’s something that will ever fully go away.

I’ve always wondered why. Maybe I was immature. Maybe I had lived a life that was too comfortable and privileged. Maybe I was childish by nature. I was never entirely sure of the reason. What I did know was that there was something defective in me.

Until I stumbled upon what has, half-jokingly, become a kind of Gestalt Church for me: a way of looking at things through which many of them started to make a little more sense.

It came into my life in the form of a five-month course to explore what lay behind this way of understanding people. I wasn’t looking for a certification; I simply wanted to go on a journey. One I wasn’t even sure I had packed enough for.

We were a wonderful group of 15 people in a multicultural environment. Hours and hours on Zoom. Lots of feelings, lots of questions, and quite a few discoveries.

I started to realize how often I tried to explain what I was feeling before I had even allowed myself to feel it. How much effort I put into understanding, justifying, or correcting what was happening to me, instead of simply observing it. Maybe not everything needed an immediate explanation. Maybe some things needed to be experienced first.

By the end, I was left with the feeling that the course had brought me a little closer to the human experience. Session after session, we found ourselves talking about things as complex and, at the same time, as basic as how to be human.

Maybe because we spend so much time trying to learn who we should be, and far less time understanding who we are. All that traveling, only to realize that the destination was where you started.

And that perhaps the real challenge is simply learning how to be human.

On that journey toward myself, the feeling of never being enough didn’t disappear. But it started to occupy a different place. Not because I suddenly became enough, but because I started to understand myself differently.

And along the way, Gestalt helped me put into words something that, deep down, I think I had always known: I want to dedicate myself to people.

Something so obvious to me and yet, paradoxically, something I had never known how to say out loud.

I still don’t know what shape all of this will eventually take. For now, it’s enough to keep learning human.